Day 88

Two very strange things, the same thing, but different things, are happening. 1. I find myself starting to imagine living my life without making a certain type of calculation. 2. I see that every decision I have made has taken into account a white supremacist reality — even my choices that have come down on the side of life, I have weighed in acknowledgment of this racist system.

You know, I’ve known that DuBois’ double-consciousness — rather than a gift like second sight — is a strategy, but I didn’t realize how much weight I carry because I “understood” that this system just “is”.

Several years ago, it occurred to me that there’s no winning at this; since then, I’ve said it to myself and others over and over and over again. There is no winning at this. When I say it to myself, it’s an admonition to find real things, to cut through the plastic. Now I see that I assumed that the plastic would be, always. Even though I had my own little theory about what could happen, I lived according to it with no expectation of it coming to pass in any obvious way.

What is clear to me now is that the work does bear fruit — has borne fruit — and must continue.